It can also be good to talk about the past when your mom is willing to see herself objectively – and even to admit that nothing you did was good enough. The safest, healthiest time to bring up the past is when you’re with a family therapist or counselor. The problem is when one person isn’t ready to talk about the past, or if there are unhealthy reasons for talking about the relationship, or if neither mother nor daughter are ready to face their mistakes. There is no doubt that talking about a relationship can be healing and healthy. Talking about past memories, emotions and experiences can bring mothers and daughters closer together. If you do talk about the past, know your intention Even if your mom agrees that you weren’t a good enough daughter and that she treated you unfairly, you aren’t really gaining anything by forcing her to admit something she’s not ready for. An unhealthy reason is to prove that she was wrong and you were right, that nothing was ever good enough for your mom, and that you were doing the best you could. If you decide to bring up the past, have a healthy reason for doing so. In fact – unless you and she are in family counseling together – it can be harmful and destructive to talk about your mother’s mistreatment and problems. Unless both you and your mom are willing to face both of your mistakes and actively trying to repair your relationship, there is no point talking about the past. However, mother-daughter relationships are complicated and emotional. I’m a big fan of talking about relationships because it can be healing and healthy. Whenever I bring them up now she gets defensive and denies that she ever did such a thing.” 1. “I still remember some of the reasons I got into trouble for not being perfect. “When I was young, my mother hit me and my brother when she thought we didn’t do things right,” says Marcy. Here’s the rest of my reader Marcy’s comment: And that, my friend, really can change everything. But you can change how you respond to her. You can’t change your mother, and you may not be able to change where you live, how often you see her, and when she shows up in your life. These tips for coping when nothing is ever good enough for your mom are about you, not her. Mother-daughter relationships are complicated and emotional…especially when both mother and daughter are smart, in touch with their emotions, and alive to the wonder of this world. Whether you’re a teen daughter living at home or an adult child who feels criticized and imperfect every day, you know what it’s like to feel stuck.
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